Regret Message
by Kion Blizzards
Summary: "Cero is not Ryan. My friends told me that. I knew that either. But I wanted to think otherwise. I wished Cero was Ryan." There were claims that first-sight love was bound to be eternal love, but to her, it was like scissors cutting through her heart. After that, she found a new light, a perfect resemblance of what she had lost. In the end, she finally found relief in her soul.


Disclaimers: I do not own any franchises that belong to the Pokémon world.

Notes: This is my first attempt at writing romance, so I don't think I made a good piece of writing. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy it, though. And the reason why I used Pokémon as characters is because they are my childhood and I have grown up attached to them so deeply that I sometimes wished to live in a world like that. Sound pretty childish, right?

* * *

 _ **I**_

I ran into Ryan on a warm autumn day. That Flareon gave me a sweet smile with his usual cheerful face. I could not stop my heart from racing at that moment. I was paralyzed by his gaze, standing totally immobilized antecedent to him. He nervously scratched the back of his neck, while my eyes were fixed to the ground below since they could not bring themselves to face the caring look that he granted me every time we bumped into each other.

And, my memory failed me each time I tried to recall the reason why only one year afterwards, Ryan became my first love. My heart was filled with his scent, while my mind was completely clouded from that point. Maybe... That I fell head over heels with him too deeply had brought corruption to me the day he went away.

Not a single word did he tell me. An evolutionary stone was the last gift that he left at the front door of my house as if it had been the witness of our parting. Speechlessness unknowingly trapped me beneath all of my consciousness. I was desperate, depressed, and my heart was _bleeding_ inside my chest in an indescribable manner.

Still, how could someone like me fit into some source of a romantic story like this?

I was obsessed with his appearance, so much that I would compare him with every single Pokémon that entered my eyesight: fluffy like him, caring like him, humorous like him... and billions of other comparisons. But how did it turn out to be like this? Even though the similarity between them reached the peak of my expectation, Cero did not please me. I need Ryan.

The first time I got a chance to meet Ryan again, after one year of waiting and suffering from a breakdown, was on a spring day at the training school we once went together. His distinctively sparkling yellow mane flashed between a group of Pokémon. He radiated a soothingly warm sensation resembled that of his ember, just like when I was near him those previous days.

I tried to speak up but failed miserably.

Frankly, I remembered clearly every. single. detail about how I had lost Ryan, right in front of my own will. Surely, there was a breakup between my parents. My younger brother went to hospital from an outbreak of uncontrolled Pokérus. And, I, myself, stayed attached to my bed from a _tragic_ stomachache. Those days were pathetic: they drove me mad, and they even made my think of suicide.

My biggest mistake was not to call for his name, for his presence by my side to support me partially with all the burdens on my shoulders. I choked on oran berries, more than I could recollect to ease the pain in my heart. No, it was not entirely my fault. It was also his fault by not asking me how I had been from the tiring look on my face.

And those mistakes turned Ryan and I into strangers.

I did not recognise the resolutions I made for myself during the days that his existence around me was no longer essential. They were, apparently, emptiness and shortfalls. I supposed they were to lead me away from his path, not interfering with the way he chose. In the end, at that training school, I decided to pick up the next pace, and simply walked away...

 ** _II_**

Cero is not Ryan.

My friends told me that.

I knew that either.

But I wanted to think otherwise.

I wished Cero was Ryan.

I knew it was unfair to Cero, to force him to be someone else he wasn't meant to be. Yet, ironically, I could not bear the sensation of encountering a shudder that ran through my body and penetrated into my pulses at the time Cero stood before me, blushing strongly.

"I like you!"

"Pardon?!"

"Don't make me say it twice!"

My body froze up instantly as I cast my eyes at his embarrassing face. I had to admit that Cero was just too... similar to Ryan, from his eyes to the way he looked at me, his body, the way he walked, and even his low, empathetic voice. Cero was a magnificent, flawless, irreplaceable copy of Ryan, apart from his age being three year younger than Ryan and his species being a Leafeon. And that made me hesitate for a while before I grabbed his paw and the shadows of us faded into the crowded street...

I did not have love for Cero. I loved Ryan, or to be precise, I loved the image of Ryan inside the characteristics of Cero. I knew that, and he knew that either. Maybe because of that, Cero struggled to form a smile, a very insincerely one just not to make me feel alone and self-pity. I realized that, many times indeed, from the sheer sadness that engulfed Cero's eyes completely.

There were times I wished to say: "Hey, let's break up!" but facing him directly everyday, at every corner, how could I possibly blurt out such heartbreaking words like those? I did not deliberately mean to hurt his feeling. No! I did not know whether the Pokémon I wanted to shatter his heart was Cero or a half of Ryan remained inside Cero's soul.

In my mind, Cero was Ryan. I did everything I was supposed to do to Ryan with Cero. A smile would gladly bloom on my face whenever Cero bought me a steaming hot cup of sitrus tea. I patiently listened to every sorrow that Cero brought up instead of whining for him to put a stop to it. I would pick him up every morning to go to school together, and he would be calmly waiting for me when the last school bell chimed.

I always had spare forbearance and dedication towards Cero... or to compensate for what I had not fulfilled to Ryan. All the time, Cero would smile _all the time_ my caring spread to him. But, I assumed he would never understand that all I did was because he was like Ryan, only because he was _like_ Ryan.

The second time I ran across Ryan was at dusk. The light was not half visible, and even the scenery did not contain too much soul. Ryan was still Ryan, a Ryan with a gentle smile. That smile of him still lingered inside my head!

Cero called me. And he smiled, that smile again. Kind and innocent and... and... it turned a whole raging storm into a peaceful afternoon day with rainbow over the azure sky. No! My voice! It...

"Ryan?"

I let Ryan pass by me, without a single notice about me being right there, next to him. I thought that there was a sour frown, and tears started to trickle down my fur... or it was only because a few specks of dust fell into my eyes. His name, I had a feeling to shout it out loud in the middle of the crowd. However, something blocked it, right at my throat, and right at the time I wished to open to speak up.

My consciousness vanished for as long as I could remember. And when it returned, I saw Cero holding my hand and there was no sign of Ryan around our vicinity. I looked back, just to see my soul being there and to see the pain inscribed greatly inside Cero.

"You haven't forgotten him."

Don't...

"No, you just _cannot_ forget him."

"Cero, please..."

And I stood there, waving over the disappearance of Cero into the horizon. Never in my life did I feel more awful like this. And that was when I understood, after all, Cero is _not_ Ryan.

 ** _III_**

My little brother had just recovered from the illness, and seeing that his sister's mood was disordered and her appearance was not probably prepared, he showed worry like everyone else would. Still, it was a rare sight for him to see me like this. I had always been optimistic, which was opposite my current status.

Then, to the least of my expectation, my receiver went off. It was a message from Cero.

"Want to meet?"

A strange message, containing neither head nor tail, just like the way we talked to each other, avoiding the sense of age between two of us. But, this message, there was something else about it. Usually he would write "Let's meet together!" or "Shall we meet at...?". Yet, obviously, I knew he was upset with me and he was afraid.

Just like me.

I did not answer the message hastily. I dropped the receiver, and rushed to the schedule I had long tossed away since that day. It shocked me, like a thousand volt lightning bolt from a Raichu. Today was the day that Ryan asked me to go out with him. And at that time, when he said that, he cited a sentence from a book I loved: "The only thing the prince would come back to his planet for is his rose. I once had it, but it faded."

Who would not recognise that the rose was the relationship that had troubled me all this time? Ryan claimed that his rose had faded, but how about mine?

Then reality struck me hard. With a smile, I typed down: "4 o'clock. Spinda's Café."

4 o'clock that day, I longed for Cero's arrival at the door. Rays of dim and exhausted light sighed coldly through the gap between the pale leaves. Cero stepped out from the café with a beam, and I did so as well. Nonetheless, my smile soon grew faint as I spotted a familiar figure. Ryan. He leaned against the stone wall, sitting at a table at the corner-most position. My heart instantly lost a beat.

Cero was like usual, pulled out a wooden chair for me, an opposite one with Ryan, and then turned his body behind, finally sat down next to Ryan. I died sitting there, fixing my eyes to the steaming hot sitrus tea. Ryan quietly stirred his chesto beverage, and Cero faced the table while taking sips from his oran juice with shaved ice.

I knew it was time for me to make my decision.

Someone once told me that life is like a box of chocolate. You would never know the flavour of the one you picked. It could be a very sweet and easy-to-swallow bar of chocolate, or it could be a very bitter one. My box had only two cubes of chocolate left. Ironically, chocolate, the thing that represents this troublesome relationship, and I had to pick for myself a cube from the two. Will it be bitter? Who know?

After three seconds of silence, I made up my mind to open the menu, and called the waiter to bring me another cup of sitrus tea. Both of them, Ryan and Cero, were perplexed upon my action; yet, they patiently waited for me to stir the cup, add in a block of sugar and watch the steam coming off. My heart was shattered into pieces, like that small, soulless block of sugar.

I shoved the sitrus tea towards Cero, who replied me with sparkling eyes contrary to the gray ones of Ryan. I smiled, "It's getting cold. You'd have known to call something warm to drink."

Cero stood up, marching outside. It was the first time I squeezed his paw tightly like this, and his grip was strong and sturdy as well. Right then, a wind passed by, and on the table where we once sat, the book "Hi, my old partner!" was still open.

 _ **IV**_

If I had a chance to start this over, I would say: I ran into Cero on a warm autumn day. That Leafeon gave me a sweet smile with his usual cheerful face. I could not stop my heart from racing at that moment. I was paralyzed by his gaze, totally standing immobilized antecedent to him. He nervously scratched the back of his neck, while my eyes were fixed to the ground below since they could not bring themselves to face the caring look that he granted me every time we bumped into each other...


End file.
